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I have been a mess for about a week now, partly just in anxiety about learning to drive and my driving lessons.

After the first few lessons I was having lots of trouble with the clutch and I was really worried about it (I still think it's unnecessarily complicated for regular cars, but... I've mostly got it now). And I can't just add extra easy repetitions to build more motor memory and make it automatic because I can't drive outside the driving school until I have my license. I had to add an extra three lessons (to the original 6) because I just didn't have it yet. I have had one of those now, and the teacher and I agreed I will probably be ready to take the driving test after just a little more practice. So we booked the driving test in two weeks, and my last two driving lessons the day of and the day before. Hopefully that will be enough! Failing is to be avoided: it costs 99 euros to take the test, but if you fail it, the second time costs like three hundred.

I had lessons three days in a row this week, and I absolutely should not drive without taking methylphenidate: taking adhd medication significantly reduces driving accidents for adhd sufferers. But while it makes it easier to concentrate, it also speeds up my heart and... kind of makes me hyperfocus and be in a hurry? Generally, it makes anxiety worse. I have real trouble slowing down and relaxing to the appropriate level for driving, but I can't take a tranquilizer for the anxiety so I just have to try to breathe deeply and stuff. Probably walking a couple miles or something first would be better, if I were in shape, and if I would be able to shower and go to the lesson right away (but it takes 50 minutes on the bus to get there).

I also contacted the licensed Bernina repair shop about the sewing machine that won't go, and he said he has a huge backlog right now and to try again in October-November. I delayed contacting him for a year and a half after the problem appeared, so this is comparatively minor and I can't be mad, but of course now I want it urgently because both pairs of my flannel pajama pants are falling beyond the reach of patching and mending.

One of the triplets finally told us what she wanted in a sweater and we ordered the yarn, but the other two are silent and our attempts to get them to give us their measurements have also failed. I suppose we'll have to propose a date when we will show up and ask if they can hand us their favorite sweatshirts to be measured then or not.

Mildly Better

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Tired

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Fall!

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Signal Boost: Highlander Shortcuts 2025 FAQs and Info Post (thank you, Teratornis!)

hlh_shortcuts posted: 2025 FAQs and Info Post (thank you, Teratornis!)

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four weeks in, and six weeks out

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Eyes Have It

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Nora Roberts/JD Robb

Identity

3/5. One of her standalone romantic suspense titles, this one about a woman whose life is wrecked and best friend murdered by an identity thief, so she goes back to her hometown and rebuilds. Classic Roberts – homemaking in the literal sense, rebuilding from the ruins, deep family connections, a romance that does not take top billing. I liked this one. The hero is actually interesting, which is not the case with many of hers, and the set dressing about the trade of bartending and hospitality in general is a welcome departure.

Framed in Death

3/5. A pretty standard procedural about an artist turning to murder to get famous or whatever. I was not feeling this one – too formula, but what do I expect after 60 something books of formula, honestly. But then this was my audiobook during 90+ minutes of extensive and painful dental work, to which I also brought my simmering case of PTSD from that time I woke out of anesthesia in the middle of eye surgery and that is triggered by having people with instruments right there in my face, which makes dental work, you know. Not great. Aaaanyway, this book basically held my hand for 90 minutes, so you know what, long live the formula.

Sidebar: I am utterly boggled by the system of legalized prostitution she has half-imagined here. Not the legalized part, with mandatory STD testing for licensure and all that. No, I’m boggled by a throwaway reference to a “street LC,” who basically bangs people for cash in alleys, getting ready to . . . apply to move up? … Wait. Apply to whom? There is a government licensing body that decides who is eligible for street solicitation versus . . . what exactly? Nora. I have so many questions. You have no answers.

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podfic,
podfic:bts

BTS podfic: Clorox as a Love Language

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games

Yesterday I beat the Capra demon

Please enjoy this eloquent depiction of The Capra Demon Experience:

Watch on YouTube

(Content note for animal harm in the form of killing horrifying skinless zombie dogs. Also one man's slow descent into existential despair.)

This is a notorious point where a not insignificant number of people ragequit and stop playing the game altogether.

Also as previously mentioned I struggle badly with tracking multiple inputs, I have the reaction speed of a slime mould, and my default combat state is "panicked and flustered."

It took me about 7 hours (spread across multiple days -- admittedly, most of this time was doing the boss run again and again and again and then dying within seconds of the fight starting) and I am very proud of myself.

(And right now I am dealing with a medical stressor -- hopefully nothing, but had to go get some tests, waiting on results -- so I will take my distractions and wins where I can get them.)

Seattle Kraken

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Birthday Prep!

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ephemera

Going back to work

I start my new job tomorrow! My brain is a hive of bees.

I've been out of work since I was laid off in July 2024. It would have been really inconvenient to be working for a lot of that time, as I was helping my brother see our mother through her decline and death from dementia and also having some serious health issues of my own. (And Mom left me some money, which allowed me to say "I'm too stressed to job-hunt" and then not job-hunt, a rare luxury that I'm very grateful for.)

But I have to admit I've also been bored and restless and lonely. It will be nice to have co-workers, and tasks, and a paycheck again.

On the other hand, it's been thirteen months since I consistently had to be any place in particular in the morning. And the cat is going to be sad.

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taxes

IRS survey

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also we didn't get enough sun or warmth but it's autumn

As of today, Wax's annual vacation is now fully over without us having accomplished anything (from our long list of house repair and renovating tasks) because we still haven't emerged from depression-anxiety-exhaustion since last fall.

Wax feels much worse than me, but it would not be fair to say I've recovered from it. I have enough energy to want to accomplish a project or go for a walk but not enough to start these things on my own (it takes about 1/2 as many spoons to do them together) and enough to want to see my friends but not enough to go beyond texting one of them once a month or so.

Anyway, Wax thinks she might have a thyroid issue. Or another physical issue, but the point is, she suspects she's not just depressed or burnt out. But her employer switched healthcare providers six months ago and the new one doesn't have a local branch, so going to an appointment will mean going into Turku (25-35 min drive). Her exhaustion is therefore holding her back from seeking treatment for it.

And I guess I also feel kinda bad. I am going to have to try to meet a new GP and discuss my medications and stuff. Sometimes, though, I think what I need (not instead of medication, just like... need most) is really a rigidly-scheduled regimen of eating enough calories and sleeping and exercising to gradually increase endurance at the same time every day, but as an ADHD sufferer, I can no more make myself do those than make myself suddenly speak Finnish fluently. It feels like there should be a trick - like it shouldn't be this hard to just create routines. Or leave the house alone to go for a walk. And yet.

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Rakesfall by Vajra Chandrasekera

Rakesfall

3/5. Chandrasekera’s first book made a splash, but this one really didn’t. I didn’t know why until I read it, and now I’m pretty sure it’s because no one wants to talk about it and demonstrate that they have no freaking clue what it’s about.

I’m . . . sort of . . . kidding. This is a strange passage of a book. It is ostensibly about two people who are instantiated across many lives over huge spans of time, and how they relate to each other, and how they don’t. It’s also about colonialism and modes of resistance and a sort of cosmic war. Probably?

Mostly, it’s a beautifully written piece with extremely clever intertextual stylings that is disorienting (on purpose, but I suspect he thought he was being much clearer than I think he is) and that does the reader only a few very basic favors in trying to figure out what is what. Or who is who, from chapter to chapter. Read if you like that sort of experience of disorienting fragments stitched together into something that, for me, did not resolve much at all.

Content notes: Many kinds of interpersonal and terroristic violence.

Years

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Code deploy happening shortly

Per the dw_news post regarding the MS/TN blocks, we are doing a small code push shortly in order to get the code live. As per usual, please let us know if you see anything wonky.

There is some code cleanup we've been doing that is going out with this push but I don't think there is any new/reworked functionality, so it should be pretty invisible if all goes well.

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podfic,
podfic:bts

BTS podfic: Jimin, you got no [paper] jams

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Mississippi site block, plus a small restriction on Tennessee new accounts

A reminder to everyone that starting tomorrow, we are being forced to block access to any IP address that geolocates to the state of Mississippi for legal reasons while we and Netchoice continue fighting the law in court. People whose IP addresses geolocate to Mississippi will only be able to access a page that explains the issue and lets them know that we'll be back to offer them service as soon as the legal risk to us is less existential.

The block page will include the apology but I'll repeat it here: we don't do geolocation ourselves, so we're limited to the geolocation ability of our network provider. Our anti-spam geolocation blocks have shown us that their geolocation database has a number of mistakes in it. If one of your friends who doesn't live in Mississippi gets the block message, there is nothing we can do on our end to adjust the block, because we don't control it. The only way to fix a mistaken block is to change your IP address to one that doesn't register as being in Mississippi, either by disconnecting your internet connection and reconnecting it (if you don't have a static IP address) or using a VPN.

In related news, the judge in our challenge to Tennessee's social media age verification, parental consent, and parental surveillance law (which we are also part of the fight against!) ruled last month that we had not met the threshold for a temporary injunction preventing the state from enforcing the law while the court case proceeds.

The Tennesee law is less onerous than the Mississippi law and the fines for violating it are slightly less ruinous (slightly), but it's still a risk to us. While the fight goes on, we've decided to prevent any new account signups from anyone under 18 in Tennessee to protect ourselves against risk. We do not need to block access from the whole state: this only applies to new account creation.

Because we don't do any geolocation on our users and our network provider's geolocation services only apply to blocking access to the site entirely, the way we're implementing this is a new mandatory question on the account creation form asking if you live in Tennessee. If you do, you'll be unable to register an account if you're under 18, not just the under 13 restriction mandated by COPPA. Like the restrictions on the state of Mississippi, we absolutely hate having to do this, we're sorry, and we hope we'll be able to undo it as soon as possible.

Finally, I'd like to thank every one of you who's commented with a message of support for this fight or who's bought paid time to help keep us running. The fact we're entirely user-supported and you all genuinely understand why this fight is so important for everyone is a huge part of why we can continue to do this work. I've also sent a lot of your comments to the lawyers who are fighting the actual battles in court, and they find your wholehearted support just as encouraging and motivating as I do. Thank you all once again for being the best users any social media site could ever hope for. You make me proud and even more determined to yell at state attorneys general on your behalf.